tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1149217012399643733.post5018542078795140454..comments2023-12-06T00:48:23.734-08:00Comments on Daily Writing Practice: Wednesday September 23rd, 2009Marchttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14952331166517430843noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1149217012399643733.post-83951697512825148872009-09-24T13:16:44.893-07:002009-09-24T13:16:44.893-07:00I'm not seeing the extra syllable in the line ...I'm not seeing the extra syllable in the line you mentioned, but I do understand your point on the 'does' - that was one of those 'thinking, thinking, thinking... screw it, it'll do' moments.<br /><br />The idear was intentional - sometimes I like to spell and pronounce it like that. I'm pretty sure it's my sister Sue's fault.<br /><br />And... oh, I see now. I was just looking at it wrong. Very ambitious, but you managed it well!<br /><br />I liked your second stanza in particular. The 'because he can' line is very poignant.Marchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14952331166517430843noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1149217012399643733.post-22203226540473181772009-09-23T23:41:09.630-07:002009-09-23T23:41:09.630-07:00Hmm, interesting topic for today. I like your poe...Hmm, interesting topic for today. I like your poem, although the last two lines of the third stanza seem a little strained. "We talk until the sun does rise" would be more natural without the does (but I can see that the line needs another syllable from somewhere), and the line after seems to have one too many syllables. Still, if that were all that were wrong with most of my poems I'd be thrilled!<br /><br />Oh, and you've got idear for idea right up at the top of the post. Because I know it'll annoy you when you spot it.<br /><br />Yesterday's first haiku was intended as a reflection on how things can go wrong if you do your own dentistry because you can't get to a dentist. Probably rather ambitious to squeeze into a haiku!<br /><br />So, to today's poem:<br /><br />Lonely and dreaming of the west coast,<br />Sat in a hotel room for two,<br />Wondering what to do.<br />Staring outside, watching neon signs flicker,<br />My hand falls away from the bottle of liquor,<br />And I raise you a heartfelt toast.<br /><br />But I'll never be brave and I'll never be strong,<br />I'll pack up my bags and go back to the man,<br />Who makes me miserable because he can,<br />I've been waiting for you for too long.Greghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08503319830584828982noreply@blogger.com