The exercise:
We should check in with the Gazette to see what's been happening in East Wallingford before we get too far into the month.
So... let's do that.
The exercise:
We should check in with the Gazette to see what's been happening in East Wallingford before we get too far into the month.
So... let's do that.
2 comments:
I figured I'd draw inspiration today from a real newspaper headline (it's from the Times of Malta, so it's pretty provincial ;-) )
No village feasts this summer!
Maria Anchovy, current leader of the East Wallingford council, made the announcement at the end of Monday's council meeting when the agenda reached the Any Other Business stage. This led to Donna D'Aoust to indignantly claim that the council was trying to suppress discussion of the motion so that they could pass it unilaterally, and after security had forced her back into her seat Ms Anchovy pointed out that this had been discussed at the previous session of the council which Donna had not attended (due to her back problems, which she claims come from carrying East Wallingford's Tourist industry all by herself). With the announcement made the council beat a hasty retreat while Donna struggled to extricate herself from her folding chair, which had folded itself up on her.
This announcement, which affects the outlying villages of Wallingham, East Wall and Wallingfordhamham (an unusual name that local historian George Aggrandisement claims dates back to Roman times), means that four festivals will be cancelled on account of either cancel culture (the D'Aoustian point) or the pandemic (the Anchovian line). This includes East Wall's annual competitive eating festival, where last year competitors attempted to eat as many fast food supersized meals as they could in a time limit of thirty minutes. The winner consumed nearly their own body weight in food and might have survived had the local hospital not been overwhelmed by thirty COVID cases from the festival goers. As it was it was decided by the family that the cheapest and most environmentally friendly option was to deep fry the corpse and bury it quickly, which many approved of.
It also means that Wallingfordhamham's annual sheep scaring competition will now not take place, which has caused some concern amongst East Wallingford's sheep breeders who have spent generations trying to breed an unshockable sheep, and East Wallingford's sheep scarers who have spent generations coming up with new ways to make a sheep scream. They have occasionally been known to try their tactics out on West Wallingfordians when there is a shortage of sheep, and West Wallingford have already announced that any East Wallingfordians trespassing on their side of the town will be shot on sight.
This is fantastic on so many levels :D
Mine is (very loosely) inspired by current council goings on in Osoyoos.
Zoning Bylaw Amendment To Go Before (Virtual) Public Hearing Monday Night
Regina MacKenzie, East Wallingford's Director of Planning and Development and proud Scottish Heritage Enthusiast (or SHE as, well, she prefers to be called), will be bringing her latest controversial zoning amendment to face public scrutiny at an online public hearing this coming Monday at 6pm. Ms MacKenzie, who has never married and whose nearest thing to a European relative is the bottle of Glenfiddich she keeps in her office, is eager to present her side of the argument to the citizens of East Wallingford.
"Now that Council has given first two readings to my latest bylaw it's time for the public to join me in calling for this important change," Ms MacKenzie gushed. "We're lucky in these times to have the technology to do this virtually - I knew rubbing David Hume's toe would pay off eventually!"
If you're curious as to what Ms MacKenzie means by that, we encourage you to ask her yourself. The Gazette's reporter did not have the necessary two hours to follow up.
The talk around East Wallingford is that, while many are strongly opposed to the idea of rezoning Main Street to allow the playing of bagpipes between the hours of 9am and 9pm (an extension from the current allowance of noon to five) on temporary stages, the turnout for the hearing will be low.
"I'm dead set against more of that bloody cat torture music," one gentleman told the Gazette, "but I can't even figure out Facebook! How in the blazes am I going to join some virtuous meeting on the computer?"
"I'm fine with it," another resident said with a shrug. "As long as the next amendment allows us to shoot the bagpipers."
"You mean like take a video of them playing?" Ms MacKenzie asked when the Gazette brought her the latter feedback. "I don't think we'd need an amendment for that. But maybe it could be a contest of some sort? A way to engage the community and celebrate Scottish heritage at the same time? Why, that's utterly braw!"
We here at the Gazette look forward to reporting on this developing story.
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