Ah, it's that time of the month is it? Let's see what the Gazette thinks is newsworthy today then....
What East Wallingford wants from Putin Although East Wallingford has traditionally stayed away from international politics, and indeed much of national politics (preferring to focus on local elections and self-governance), Jemima Fellowes who has been a resident of East Wallingford since 1955 was recently appointed Cultural Ambassador and has been assigned to the task of meeting Vladimir Putin as part of a delegation travelling to Russia at the end of June. Miss Fellowes, who has never married and says that she has yet to find a man who can obey short, simple commands without asking questions, was born in West Wallingford but assures us that was entirely because her mother went into labour in the part of Wallingford Hospital that crosses the boundary line and that her parents and grandparents were all proud East Wallingfordians.
Miss Fellowes has worked at many occupations including seamstress, coal-miner and tabernacle cleaner in her time, and says that she feels her learning and contributions to many professions are part of what made her an excellent candidate for Cultural Ambassador. Perennial mayoral candidate Milton Stilton opined the delegation was just looking for additional diversity and that he could think of no-one more diverse or divisive than Miss Fellowes.
Miss Fellowes will fly to Russia as part of a fourteen-person delegation on the 27th June and will meet with Russian counterparts over the course of a week. There will be an in-person meeting with Vladimir Putin as well, at which each of the delegation will be given the opportunity to ask one question of the Russian Premier in a televised Q&A session. When asked about what she would be asking, Miss Fellowes frowned and said that she, and other delegates, were giving this some serious contemplation as it was not often they got free reign to ask such questions. She smiled a little as she looked at us and said that her big concern was trying to answer the question, "What does East Wallingford want from Vladimir Putin?" She said that she had considered asking for a nuclear deterrent in order to pacify West Wallingford, but had since decided against it as she could find no suitable site in East Wallingford to host the deterrent.
"There are many things we could ask for on behalf of the country, or the world," she said thoughtfully, "but Mr. Putting probably already has those considerations before him already. While it might seem parochial to some, I think we should focus on East Wallingford first here. We need to Make East Wallingford Great Again!"
"Fresh off the press", my ass. Anyway. Let's get things moving again.
Heat Wave Renders Majority of East Wallingford Utterly Useless
Last week was hot. Hotter than ever before, according to anyone willing to take a break from shoveling ice cubes down the front of their shorts to talk to the Gazette's reporters.
Heat records went smashy smashy.
Air conditioning units gave up the ghost like Samantha at the gas station gives up smoking: again and again and again. Including the make cold windy air machines at the Gazette's offices.
Power outages were common place. Everyone lived in their swimming pools. Those unfortunate enough to not have access to water based pools resorted to sweat based ones.
Rational thought and common sense were rarer than the hamburgers coming off the grill at Vince's House of Hogwarts.
Sorry, House of Hog. The Gazette has been wanting to make that joke for years but it took this week of unbare... unbear... unbelievable heat to sneak it into print.
The East Wallingford Volunteer Fire Department was kept busy with regular requests from overheating citizens to be hosed down. Eventually the Fire Chief stopped answering his phone, claiming his department had 'real work to do'.
The heat wave may have ended... it did end, right? This isn't just a fever dream?
Anyway. The heat wave may have ended, but its eff... aff... influence will not soon be forgotten. Assuming anyone has any unmelted brain cells left to remember much of anything.
2 comments:
Ah, it's that time of the month is it? Let's see what the Gazette thinks is newsworthy today then....
What East Wallingford wants from Putin
Although East Wallingford has traditionally stayed away from international politics, and indeed much of national politics (preferring to focus on local elections and self-governance), Jemima Fellowes who has been a resident of East Wallingford since 1955 was recently appointed Cultural Ambassador and has been assigned to the task of meeting Vladimir Putin as part of a delegation travelling to Russia at the end of June. Miss Fellowes, who has never married and says that she has yet to find a man who can obey short, simple commands without asking questions, was born in West Wallingford but assures us that was entirely because her mother went into labour in the part of Wallingford Hospital that crosses the boundary line and that her parents and grandparents were all proud East Wallingfordians.
Miss Fellowes has worked at many occupations including seamstress, coal-miner and tabernacle cleaner in her time, and says that she feels her learning and contributions to many professions are part of what made her an excellent candidate for Cultural Ambassador. Perennial mayoral candidate Milton Stilton opined the delegation was just looking for additional diversity and that he could think of no-one more diverse or divisive than Miss Fellowes.
Miss Fellowes will fly to Russia as part of a fourteen-person delegation on the 27th June and will meet with Russian counterparts over the course of a week. There will be an in-person meeting with Vladimir Putin as well, at which each of the delegation will be given the opportunity to ask one question of the Russian Premier in a televised Q&A session. When asked about what she would be asking, Miss Fellowes frowned and said that she, and other delegates, were giving this some serious contemplation as it was not often they got free reign to ask such questions. She smiled a little as she looked at us and said that her big concern was trying to answer the question, "What does East Wallingford want from Vladimir Putin?" She said that she had considered asking for a nuclear deterrent in order to pacify West Wallingford, but had since decided against it as she could find no suitable site in East Wallingford to host the deterrent.
"There are many things we could ask for on behalf of the country, or the world," she said thoughtfully, "but Mr. Putting probably already has those considerations before him already. While it might seem parochial to some, I think we should focus on East Wallingford first here. We need to Make East Wallingford Great Again!"
"Fresh off the press", my ass. Anyway. Let's get things moving again.
Heat Wave Renders Majority of East Wallingford Utterly Useless
Last week was hot. Hotter than ever before, according to anyone willing to take a break from shoveling ice cubes down the front of their shorts to talk to the Gazette's reporters.
Heat records went smashy smashy.
Air conditioning units gave up the ghost like Samantha at the gas station gives up smoking: again and again and again. Including the make cold windy air machines at the Gazette's offices.
Power outages were common place. Everyone lived in their swimming pools. Those unfortunate enough to not have access to water based pools resorted to sweat based ones.
Rational thought and common sense were rarer than the hamburgers coming off the grill at Vince's House of Hogwarts.
Sorry, House of Hog. The Gazette has been wanting to make that joke for years but it took this week of unbare... unbear... unbelievable heat to sneak it into print.
The East Wallingford Volunteer Fire Department was kept busy with regular requests from overheating citizens to be hosed down. Eventually the Fire Chief stopped answering his phone, claiming his department had 'real work to do'.
The heat wave may have ended... it did end, right? This isn't just a fever dream?
Anyway. The heat wave may have ended, but its eff... aff... influence will not soon be forgotten. Assuming anyone has any unmelted brain cells left to remember much of anything.
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