I started off with the idea of a Karen, but I got sidetracked. I blame Philip.
The Manager "It's in the wrong place!" Philip Asciugimento, who carefully didn't put his surname anywhere visible because of the terror it seemed to inspire in a lot of people, smiled at the angry woman in the purple mohair coat in front of him and tried not to look puzzled. "What is?" he asked for the third time. The woman, who had a face that made him think of week-old cabbage left at the back of the cupboard, glared at him. Her face was gradually turning the same colour as her coat. "The cereal aisle! It's in the wrong place!" Philip, who was the Manager of the Mostlyfood Supermarket (they competed with Whole Foods on price if not quality) sighed and resisted the urge to scratch his head. "Do you mean some of the cereals? Which ones?" "All of them! It's the whole aisle, it's in the wrong place!" "You're making no sense," said Philip, channeling for a moment his uncle's way of thinking. He felt suddenly tempted to find an empty chest freezer and give this woman an opportunity to cool off. "Perhaps you can show me what you mean?" "Finally!" She stomped across the aisle ends of the supermarket and Philip followed her at a slight distance. As she passed the cashiers on the tills turned their heads to follow her, and quickly returned to their jobs as they caught sight of the Manager. Philip smiled politely at them and wondered why they always seemed so on edge around him. They passed Baby Foods, Nappies and Red Wine, which was aisle 11, and then came to aisle 12, Cereals, Grains, Health Foods and Exotic Fats. Philip and his team had discussed Exotic Fats over three management meetings trying to find a better way to describe fats that probably weren't food but were part of various fad diets, and this was still the best they could manage. To his surprise he found himself looking at aisle 17, Beers, Spirits, and Sticky things. "See?" said the woman, sounding oddly triumphant. "This isn't aisle 12!" "Renumbering issue," said another voice, and the angry woman turned round to see a young-looking policeman smiling kindly at her. He looked reassuring somehow. He pulled a badge from his pocket and flashed it at her. "Feng Shui Crime Prevention," he said. "We've had reports that the Dragon of Fortune had been getting bad colds as a result of the misplacement of cereals in this supermarket. We're ensuring that the Dragon stays healthy and happy. Right, boss?" He grinned at Philip. "You rearranged the supermarket?" Philip's tone was cold. "Do you know the complex algorithms that go into setting products in the right places? The cost of them? The contractual issues we have with ensuring that brands have a certain number of centimetres of shelf space? And how prominent that shelf-space is?" "Yeah," said another voice, and now Philip turned to see a man wearing leopard-skin print trousers. "Basically it's a gradient descent problem on a chaotic landscape with no guaranteed global maximum. But we can talk about it in your office if you want." "That sounds like an excellent idea," said Philip frostily. "This way." As he walked off he heard one man say to the other, "Hey Bill, isn't that guy part of the Ascuigimento family?"
2 comments:
I started off with the idea of a Karen, but I got sidetracked. I blame Philip.
The Manager
"It's in the wrong place!"
Philip Asciugimento, who carefully didn't put his surname anywhere visible because of the terror it seemed to inspire in a lot of people, smiled at the angry woman in the purple mohair coat in front of him and tried not to look puzzled.
"What is?" he asked for the third time. The woman, who had a face that made him think of week-old cabbage left at the back of the cupboard, glared at him. Her face was gradually turning the same colour as her coat.
"The cereal aisle! It's in the wrong place!"
Philip, who was the Manager of the Mostlyfood Supermarket (they competed with Whole Foods on price if not quality) sighed and resisted the urge to scratch his head. "Do you mean some of the cereals? Which ones?"
"All of them! It's the whole aisle, it's in the wrong place!"
"You're making no sense," said Philip, channeling for a moment his uncle's way of thinking. He felt suddenly tempted to find an empty chest freezer and give this woman an opportunity to cool off. "Perhaps you can show me what you mean?"
"Finally!"
She stomped across the aisle ends of the supermarket and Philip followed her at a slight distance. As she passed the cashiers on the tills turned their heads to follow her, and quickly returned to their jobs as they caught sight of the Manager. Philip smiled politely at them and wondered why they always seemed so on edge around him. They passed Baby Foods, Nappies and Red Wine, which was aisle 11, and then came to aisle 12, Cereals, Grains, Health Foods and Exotic Fats. Philip and his team had discussed Exotic Fats over three management meetings trying to find a better way to describe fats that probably weren't food but were part of various fad diets, and this was still the best they could manage. To his surprise he found himself looking at aisle 17, Beers, Spirits, and Sticky things.
"See?" said the woman, sounding oddly triumphant. "This isn't aisle 12!"
"Renumbering issue," said another voice, and the angry woman turned round to see a young-looking policeman smiling kindly at her. He looked reassuring somehow. He pulled a badge from his pocket and flashed it at her. "Feng Shui Crime Prevention," he said. "We've had reports that the Dragon of Fortune had been getting bad colds as a result of the misplacement of cereals in this supermarket. We're ensuring that the Dragon stays healthy and happy. Right, boss?" He grinned at Philip.
"You rearranged the supermarket?" Philip's tone was cold. "Do you know the complex algorithms that go into setting products in the right places? The cost of them? The contractual issues we have with ensuring that brands have a certain number of centimetres of shelf space? And how prominent that shelf-space is?"
"Yeah," said another voice, and now Philip turned to see a man wearing leopard-skin print trousers. "Basically it's a gradient descent problem on a chaotic landscape with no guaranteed global maximum. But we can talk about it in your office if you want."
"That sounds like an excellent idea," said Philip frostily. "This way."
As he walked off he heard one man say to the other, "Hey Bill, isn't that guy part of the Ascuigimento family?"
Greg - hah, that's fair.
Oh my, this is a crossover I didn't know I needed. Plus it's nice to see Ben and Bill make another appearance so soon!
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