I rather like your questionnaire, and the call-outs to known problem residents who will only try and take advantage of it! I was answering it until I realised that I don't want to live in East Wallingford at the moment....
On that note, Malta has moved Ukraine into the quarantine-required zone, which means they'll try and charge me 1500EUR to put me in a prison-hotel for two weeks on my return (that this is a corrupt scam is well known in Malta) so I'm going to see about going back to the UK for two weeks as "quarantine" instead, where people are sensible and things are done properly.
And this is somehow too long, so my apologies for putting it in two posts!
East Wallingford's ice hockey team, the Water Bears, have signed their newest putative star and youngest player ever, Andrew Styx. His parents are Elise, a baker for the last fourteen years, and Toby, currently unemployed but also holder of East Wallingford's only hockey award, the 1977 Red Tilson trophy (the exact circumstances under which he comes to have it are murky and attempts to investigate by Gazette reporters resulted in a dead moose being left in the staff carpark for four weeks). Glowing with pride, his parents held six-month old Andrew aloft at a press conference to show the crowd.
"Yes, well," said Max Stichter, once known as the Incorruptible, Commissioner for Sports, "there seems to have been a little bit of confusion. We were intending to sign 17-year old Andrew Sticks who's a very promising up-and-comer, but Darlene was busy filling out the annual questionnaire and appears to have written his name down wrong." Shouldn't the signing agent have noticed Andrew's age and been concerned? we pressed. "Well, yes," said Max, sighing. "But Judy's been on the job for nearly sixty years and thinks she seen everything. She's also clinically blind, which doesn't help matters much. We're trying to get her to retire, but she seems to have dirt and gossip on everyone. So she seems either not to have noticed how old her is, or not to have cared, and well... we are where we are." Can't you just sign the right Andrew Sticks? we asked. "Ah no," said Max. "Budgets, you see. We're committed now to this Andrew, probably for the next 18 years at least, and that's this year's budget all gone. It's probably going to impact the dentistry budget as well, so players would be well advised to get good gum shields this season, and maybe think twice before elbowing the opposition in the face. Unless it's West Wallingford of course, those guys are just thugs. No manners. No etiquette. No sportsmanship."
We asked his parents about Andrew's training regime and Toby looked thrilled as he explained that although his son is too small to hold a hockey stick properly yet, they've been using him as the puck in a few back-yard knock-abouts. "We strap him to a roomba," he said, offering to get us the said robot, "and then me and my mates just have a five-aside session for an hour or two. Andrew's really getting into it, you can see it on his little red face, all scrunched up and screaming with excitement. When he can hold the stick we'll put in goal and start him on penalty shootouts."
We also asked Andrew Sticks about the fickle fancies of fate, and he nodded somberly. "I wish little Andrew all the best," he said. "And not to worry, I was signed by West Wallingford when they learned that East Wallingford didn't have an interest in me. They've actually come up with a really great deal; there's a relocation package, I get my own house, a pick-up truck with truck-nutz, and they've promised to find me a girlfriend as well." We sympathised with him that he might have to live in West Wallingford, but he was all smiles as he said that he felt that living in East Wallingford and playing for West Wallingford might only intensify the rivalry the town and ghetto have with each other.
The actual news item this was inspired by is bonkers. I hope he truly enjoys the game enough to stick with it of his own volition.
Citizen Survey Results!
The responses to our annual Citizen Survey have been tallied and we are delighted to now share the results with our readers! The volume of returned surveys was overwhelming this year, the total coming in at slightly over the number of residents of East Wallingford. Under the assumption that the extras were filled in by West Wallingfordians attempting to spoil the data, our staff randomly selected a number of forms and destroyed them in a barrel fire behind the Gazette's offices.
Now, to the results!
1. Do you support COVID-19 vaccine mandates?
25% of our respondents indicated they supported this public safety measure, while 20% did not. Leaving a rather startling 55% responding that they will take any man dates they can get.
At this time we would like to offer an apology to Darlene for singling her out on this survey. It is now apparent that there are many residents of our town who feel the way you do.
2. How safe do you feel on the streets of East Wallingford?
While 80% of respondents indicated that they felt either 'Totally safe' or 'Somewhat safe', a worrying 15% let us know that their feeling of security was entirely dependent on whether or not they were carrying a gun.
We checked with the firearm licensing department and confirmed that only 5% of East Wallingford residents have official permission to own a weapon of any sort. They will be following up on this matter.
3. How satisfied are you with your municipal government's leadership group?
Replies were all over the board with this one, with no option garnering more than 40$ and none less than 30%. Milton's written response can be found on pages 8, 14, and 22.
4. What do you consider to be the most important issue facing East Wallingford in the upcoming year?
Interestingly, most respondents checked all options for this question, though some did take the time to place multiple check marks next to 'Attracting more and better quality tourists'.
5. What should be done about the West Wallingford Problem?
A combination of 'Prayer' and 'Fire' was clearly the most favored options for our respondents, though several survey-takers were kind enough to make an extra effort and drew some very vivid, detailed images of what they felt should be done to our neighbors to the west.
6. What East Wallingford means to me:
Pride was something that came up in a majority of responses, mostly in regards to not living in West Wallingford. Other common replies included: community, fine food, good beer, and a place where everyone keeps asking me to leave.
Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts with us, and we look forward to doing it again next year!
3 comments:
I rather like your questionnaire, and the call-outs to known problem residents who will only try and take advantage of it! I was answering it until I realised that I don't want to live in East Wallingford at the moment....
On that note, Malta has moved Ukraine into the quarantine-required zone, which means they'll try and charge me 1500EUR to put me in a prison-hotel for two weeks on my return (that this is a corrupt scam is well known in Malta) so I'm going to see about going back to the UK for two weeks as "quarantine" instead, where people are sensible and things are done properly.
And this is somehow too long, so my apologies for putting it in two posts!
East Wallingford's youngest hockey player signed
East Wallingford's ice hockey team, the Water Bears, have signed their newest putative star and youngest player ever, Andrew Styx. His parents are Elise, a baker for the last fourteen years, and Toby, currently unemployed but also holder of East Wallingford's only hockey award, the 1977 Red Tilson trophy (the exact circumstances under which he comes to have it are murky and attempts to investigate by Gazette reporters resulted in a dead moose being left in the staff carpark for four weeks). Glowing with pride, his parents held six-month old Andrew aloft at a press conference to show the crowd.
"Yes, well," said Max Stichter, once known as the Incorruptible, Commissioner for Sports, "there seems to have been a little bit of confusion. We were intending to sign 17-year old Andrew Sticks who's a very promising up-and-comer, but Darlene was busy filling out the annual questionnaire and appears to have written his name down wrong."
Shouldn't the signing agent have noticed Andrew's age and been concerned? we pressed.
"Well, yes," said Max, sighing. "But Judy's been on the job for nearly sixty years and thinks she seen everything. She's also clinically blind, which doesn't help matters much. We're trying to get her to retire, but she seems to have dirt and gossip on everyone. So she seems either not to have noticed how old her is, or not to have cared, and well... we are where we are."
Can't you just sign the right Andrew Sticks? we asked.
"Ah no," said Max. "Budgets, you see. We're committed now to this Andrew, probably for the next 18 years at least, and that's this year's budget all gone. It's probably going to impact the dentistry budget as well, so players would be well advised to get good gum shields this season, and maybe think twice before elbowing the opposition in the face. Unless it's West Wallingford of course, those guys are just thugs. No manners. No etiquette. No sportsmanship."
We asked his parents about Andrew's training regime and Toby looked thrilled as he explained that although his son is too small to hold a hockey stick properly yet, they've been using him as the puck in a few back-yard knock-abouts.
"We strap him to a roomba," he said, offering to get us the said robot, "and then me and my mates just have a five-aside session for an hour or two. Andrew's really getting into it, you can see it on his little red face, all scrunched up and screaming with excitement. When he can hold the stick we'll put in goal and start him on penalty shootouts."
We also asked Andrew Sticks about the fickle fancies of fate, and he nodded somberly.
"I wish little Andrew all the best," he said. "And not to worry, I was signed by West Wallingford when they learned that East Wallingford didn't have an interest in me. They've actually come up with a really great deal; there's a relocation package, I get my own house, a pick-up truck with truck-nutz, and they've promised to find me a girlfriend as well."
We sympathised with him that he might have to live in West Wallingford, but he was all smiles as he said that he felt that living in East Wallingford and playing for West Wallingford might only intensify the rivalry the town and ghetto have with each other.
The actual news item this was inspired by is bonkers. I hope he truly enjoys the game enough to stick with it of his own volition.
Citizen Survey Results!
The responses to our annual Citizen Survey have been tallied and we are delighted to now share the results with our readers! The volume of returned surveys was overwhelming this year, the total coming in at slightly over the number of residents of East Wallingford. Under the assumption that the extras were filled in by West Wallingfordians attempting to spoil the data, our staff randomly selected a number of forms and destroyed them in a barrel fire behind the Gazette's offices.
Now, to the results!
1. Do you support COVID-19 vaccine mandates?
25% of our respondents indicated they supported this public safety measure, while 20% did not. Leaving a rather startling 55% responding that they will take any man dates they can get.
At this time we would like to offer an apology to Darlene for singling her out on this survey. It is now apparent that there are many residents of our town who feel the way you do.
2. How safe do you feel on the streets of East Wallingford?
While 80% of respondents indicated that they felt either 'Totally safe' or 'Somewhat safe', a worrying 15% let us know that their feeling of security was entirely dependent on whether or not they were carrying a gun.
We checked with the firearm licensing department and confirmed that only 5% of East Wallingford residents have official permission to own a weapon of any sort. They will be following up on this matter.
3. How satisfied are you with your municipal government's leadership group?
Replies were all over the board with this one, with no option garnering more than 40$ and none less than 30%. Milton's written response can be found on pages 8, 14, and 22.
4. What do you consider to be the most important issue facing East Wallingford in the upcoming year?
Interestingly, most respondents checked all options for this question, though some did take the time to place multiple check marks next to 'Attracting more and better quality tourists'.
5. What should be done about the West Wallingford Problem?
A combination of 'Prayer' and 'Fire' was clearly the most favored options for our respondents, though several survey-takers were kind enough to make an extra effort and drew some very vivid, detailed images of what they felt should be done to our neighbors to the west.
6. What East Wallingford means to me:
Pride was something that came up in a majority of responses, mostly in regards to not living in West Wallingford. Other common replies included: community, fine food, good beer, and a place where everyone keeps asking me to leave.
Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts with us, and we look forward to doing it again next year!
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