As usual, the story inspiring events in East Wallingford in linked in the title. Christmas is coming
East Wallingford council has announced that in the interests of diversity and inclusionism, including this year a specific mention of the West Wallingford dialect, that it is publishing a list of appropriate words to be used when discussing Christmas. The list, according to Julian Mayhew who was asked to review it, is seven pages of A4 long and included words both ancient and modern.
Milton Stilton, perennial mayoral candidate and gentleman with probably too much time on his hands, was immediately critical of it, though this reporter was able to establish that he hasn't yet seen the list. "It's pandering, is what it is!" he shouted. Madame Bovine Amelie who was, again for unexplained reasons, in his office wearing a star of David on her chest and playing with edible finger paints, nodded serenely and murmured "They will come to the gates and her smile will topple the topless towers." "It's pandering," yelled Milton again, in case we'd not heard him the first time. "When I was Mayor we never did things like this. Christmas was memorable, not bleached to milquetoast by the lily-livered wannabees. This is what you get for letting Millennials run things." We attempted to point out that the current Mayor is Sally Mistwick, wheelchair bound, possible Alzheimer's sufferer and twenty years older than Milton, but he was distracted by Madame Bovine showing him a tarot card she had painted using Broccoli paste and cauliflower florets.
While the full list remains to be released on Wednesday, a few words have reached the Gazette's newsdesk (now righted and tidied after the badger-hornet incident). The West Wallingfordian dialect word Grumbletide is approved as a synonym for Christmas, while practically every epithet for Santa that we could think of has been blacklisted. Instead we have "the coke-coloured fat fairy" and "Mister Stompy-pants" to choose from. While the history of Santa being dressed in the colours of Coca-cola is well known to everyone, it took some hours in the research library to discover that West Wallingford have a traditional Grumbletide story where Santa is referred to as Mister Stompy-boots and wreaks havoc on the roofs of East Wallingford. His reindeer (now renamed, according to the list, as manure-development agents) seem similarly vandalistically inclined.
We reached out to the council offices to ask about the possibility of a West Wallingfordian mole being involved somehow in the choice of words but the offices appear to have moved to reduced hours for Grumbletide already and after two hours on hold, listening to a screechy recording of I saw Mommy kissing the coke-coloured fat fairy performed by West Wallingfordian pre-schoolers, we abandoned our attempt.
We here wish you all a Glorious Grumbletide and may Mr Stompy-boots not put his size-11's through your roof or leave you a fresh hundredweight of deer manure (unless you run a farm, of course). The Gazette will be running cartoons for the next two weeks while the staff are on holiday.
All right, let's get 'er done for twenty twenty-one.
Christmas Decorating Contest Ends In Tie For Tenth Consecutive Year
The Annual East Wallingford Christmas Decorating Contest, organized and judged by local holiday enthusiast Mary Kristian for the last ten years, has once again ended in a tie.
This year ninety-five homes shared first place honors.
"I just can't choose between them!" Mary declared for the tenth year running. "And besides, how could I crush anyone's spirit at this time of year? What would Jolly Saint Nick say about telling someone who took the time to decorate their home that they're a no good loser?"
When it was pointed out that it wouldn't necessarily have to be framed in quite that manner, Mary just shook her head and walked away, whistling Jingle Bells to herself.
"It's a bit ridiculous, isn't it?" Gary Lee Lewis, one of the first place winners told the Gazette. "I mean, Tim and Beth across the street just hung a tiny snowman on their doorknob! How is that the same as me setting up this spectacular, life-sized nativity scene in my front yard with animatronic manger animals?"
"Ten bucks is ten bucks," Beth responded when the Gazette posed this question to her and her husband. "It's Jerry's fault for putting so much effort in anyway - he knows Mary can't pick a single winner."
"It's Gary, you Christmas Grinch!"
The Gazette's reporter decided a follow-up with Mary was required at this point and vacated the scene. We caught up with Mary at the side of the highway, where she was collecting pop cans for next year's prize fund.
"I'm expecting even more entrants for next year's contest!" she declared as she searched through the snow. "I have to make sure there's enough prize money to go around!"
We here at the Gazette all of our loyal readers a happy holiday season and we look forward to serving you in the new year. And, just like Mary, please remember that you are all number one in our books.
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As usual, the story inspiring events in East Wallingford in linked in the title.
Christmas is coming
East Wallingford council has announced that in the interests of diversity and inclusionism, including this year a specific mention of the West Wallingford dialect, that it is publishing a list of appropriate words to be used when discussing Christmas. The list, according to Julian Mayhew who was asked to review it, is seven pages of A4 long and included words both ancient and modern.
Milton Stilton, perennial mayoral candidate and gentleman with probably too much time on his hands, was immediately critical of it, though this reporter was able to establish that he hasn't yet seen the list.
"It's pandering, is what it is!" he shouted. Madame Bovine Amelie who was, again for unexplained reasons, in his office wearing a star of David on her chest and playing with edible finger paints, nodded serenely and murmured "They will come to the gates and her smile will topple the topless towers."
"It's pandering," yelled Milton again, in case we'd not heard him the first time. "When I was Mayor we never did things like this. Christmas was memorable, not bleached to milquetoast by the lily-livered wannabees. This is what you get for letting Millennials run things."
We attempted to point out that the current Mayor is Sally Mistwick, wheelchair bound, possible Alzheimer's sufferer and twenty years older than Milton, but he was distracted by Madame Bovine showing him a tarot card she had painted using Broccoli paste and cauliflower florets.
While the full list remains to be released on Wednesday, a few words have reached the Gazette's newsdesk (now righted and tidied after the badger-hornet incident). The West Wallingfordian dialect word Grumbletide is approved as a synonym for Christmas, while practically every epithet for Santa that we could think of has been blacklisted. Instead we have "the coke-coloured fat fairy" and "Mister Stompy-pants" to choose from. While the history of Santa being dressed in the colours of Coca-cola is well known to everyone, it took some hours in the research library to discover that West Wallingford have a traditional Grumbletide story where Santa is referred to as Mister Stompy-boots and wreaks havoc on the roofs of East Wallingford. His reindeer (now renamed, according to the list, as manure-development agents) seem similarly vandalistically inclined.
We reached out to the council offices to ask about the possibility of a West Wallingfordian mole being involved somehow in the choice of words but the offices appear to have moved to reduced hours for Grumbletide already and after two hours on hold, listening to a screechy recording of I saw Mommy kissing the coke-coloured fat fairy performed by West Wallingfordian pre-schoolers, we abandoned our attempt.
We here wish you all a Glorious Grumbletide and may Mr Stompy-boots not put his size-11's through your roof or leave you a fresh hundredweight of deer manure (unless you run a farm, of course). The Gazette will be running cartoons for the next two weeks while the staff are on holiday.
All right, let's get 'er done for twenty twenty-one.
Christmas Decorating Contest Ends In Tie For Tenth Consecutive Year
The Annual East Wallingford Christmas Decorating Contest, organized and judged by local holiday enthusiast Mary Kristian for the last ten years, has once again ended in a tie.
This year ninety-five homes shared first place honors.
"I just can't choose between them!" Mary declared for the tenth year running. "And besides, how could I crush anyone's spirit at this time of year? What would Jolly Saint Nick say about telling someone who took the time to decorate their home that they're a no good loser?"
When it was pointed out that it wouldn't necessarily have to be framed in quite that manner, Mary just shook her head and walked away, whistling Jingle Bells to herself.
"It's a bit ridiculous, isn't it?" Gary Lee Lewis, one of the first place winners told the Gazette. "I mean, Tim and Beth across the street just hung a tiny snowman on their doorknob! How is that the same as me setting up this spectacular, life-sized nativity scene in my front yard with animatronic manger animals?"
"Ten bucks is ten bucks," Beth responded when the Gazette posed this question to her and her husband. "It's Jerry's fault for putting so much effort in anyway - he knows Mary can't pick a single winner."
"It's Gary, you Christmas Grinch!"
The Gazette's reporter decided a follow-up with Mary was required at this point and vacated the scene. We caught up with Mary at the side of the highway, where she was collecting pop cans for next year's prize fund.
"I'm expecting even more entrants for next year's contest!" she declared as she searched through the snow. "I have to make sure there's enough prize money to go around!"
We here at the Gazette all of our loyal readers a happy holiday season and we look forward to serving you in the new year. And, just like Mary, please remember that you are all number one in our books.
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