The exercise:
I do believe September's edition of The East Wallingford Gazette is due to arrive right... about... now.
In other news, we went down to Osoyoos this afternoon to celebrate Natalie's 10th birthday. Which can only mean that Max's 9th birthday is lurking somewhere nearby...
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Ah, the Gazette! I have, again, resorted to real headline for inspiration -- though the one about the Taliban having women-only schools and universities proved too depressing to inspire anyone. So you have this instead :)
Period facilities are needed at festivals
Regina MacKenzie, East Wallingford's Director of Planning and Development, was sat at her desk in East Wallingford's County Hall (the building, we were intrigued to find out, is a timeshare with Tapster Investments, East Wallingford's only offshore investment company. The nominal location of Tapster Investments is the middle of East Wallingford's Duck Pond as that's the only way it can be 'offshore' but for practical purposes they took a timeshare in County Hall after the great budget Deficit of 1984) with her head in her hands.
"I don't understand why they just can't not have periods for the weekend," she said, her scottish accent coming through quite strongly. Her elocution coach, Nora Amelie (no relation to Madame Bovine Amelie), is said to be very proud of her. "All this fuss over a few spots of blood -- I mean, can it really be that hard to remember to bring a clean handkerchief?"
Her deputy, a pale young man with a wispy beard that looks like it only has a timeshare on his face, grimaced. "Regina hasn't actually had a period in the last seven years," he whispered to us. "She's a little removed from what it really entails. And the difficulties, both physical and environmental. I've got a lady from Planned Parenthood coming in later to try and explain things to her better."
"I'm not putting any bloody period shed on my allotment," said Dale Tapster, owner of East Wallingford's only Inn and annual organiser of the East Wallingford Flower and Music Festival. "We had all that fuss last year over wanting toilets instead of just using a convenient tree, and look where that got us! We had seven portapotties left over that no-one wanted to claim. Or clean! There were still West Wallingfordians having sex in one of them when we finally got them loaded onto that truck to take them away."
"We haven't got enough space as it is," said Regina sitting up and jabbing a finger agitatedly at the papers on her desk, one of which was a plan of the Festival site. "We've added a new field for tents this year too, so it's not like we're not making the effort. But the MegaStage takes up nearly a mile of space and we've already started getting complaints from West Wallingford about it causing power outages on their side of the town and we've only tried turning on half the amplifiers so far."
"They're getting free music," said Dale, "they should be bloody grateful."
"They're saying they want free hearing checkups," said Regina sounding morose. "Next thing, they'll be wanting period facilities too, and where are we going to put them? East Wallingford women need to be tougher than this. Can't we just put hormones in the water supply?"
Regina's assistant blanched, though it was hard to tell, and suggested that we leave until he'd managed to get some education for Regina and a beer for Dale. As the door closed behind us we heard Regina commenting, "we could just pretend it's a period facility and give them ether and ship them out to the colonies, you know."
Yeah... only a little late to this one.
The Annual East Wallingford Gazette Citizen Survey!
The staff here at the East Wallingford Gazette would like to once again invite residents of our great town to provide feedback on a variety of topics, both important and inane, by completing our annual survey. Responses can be filled out below and returned to our office or phoned into our reception desk.
Online responses will once again not be accepted, due to the ongoing threat of cyber hacking and internet insecurity and bitcoins probably.
As usual, the survey consists of multiple choice questions with room provided for open-ended written responses where applicable.
So, without further ado, let's get to this year's questions!
1. Do you support COVID-19 vaccine mandates?
_ Yes
_ No
_ I'll take any man dates I can get! (This one's for you, Darlene)
2. How safe do you feel on the streets of East Wallingford?
_ Totally safe
_ Somewhat safe
_ Not at all safe
_ Safe as long as I have my gun with me
_ Who's asking?
3. How satisfied are you with your municipal government's leadership group?
_ Very satisfied
_ Somewhat satisfied
_ Not at all satisfied
Other (try to keep it under a page, Milton):
4. What do you consider to be the most important issue facing East Wallingford in the upcoming year?
_ Pandemic recovery
_ Improved roads and sidewalks
_ Innovation
_ Synergy
_ Attracting more and better quality tourists
Other:
5. What should be done about the West Wallingford Problem?
_ Permanent wall
_ Prayer
_ Fire
Other:
6. What East Wallingford means to me:
Thank you for your participation and we look forward to sharing the results with you next month!
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