Discretion and Valour? Is there a theme emerging here in the run up to Christmas? :)
Valour Santa strode into the living room at the North Pole "cottage" and stood in the middle of the floor, hands on his hips and legs spread apart. "What do you think?" he asked his wife. Liberty looked up from her crocheting and then set the work down on her lap. There were three side-tables within easy reach, one of them fashioned entirely out of platinum and precious stones, but even in the middle of opulence and luxury she liked to have a few simple things kept close, and her crocheted kitten-warmers were just such things. "Didn't that used to be red?" she said. Santa's suit -- tailored and fitted to a much slimmer gentleman than last year's model -- was shades of bile- and acid-green with red and white trimming. He looked like a goblin with a personal trainer and leprosy. "New sponsor," said Santa. His voice was deep and resonant, sounding more like the kind of voice-over actor that makes women of a certain age get giggly than the ho-ho-ho of previous years. "Mountain Dew. It's a relief actually dear, I thought it was going to be Fanta up until October." "You've lost weight too." "It's such a relief," said Santa and his whole face seemed to light up. "They're after a more athletic, healthier image. I think I'm even going to get to start doing some parkour while delivering!" Liberty smiled fondly. "Delivering," she said. "I thought you had Amazon do it all for you?" "Most of it," said Santa. "And we do own 70% of it -- he gestured casually at the 'cottage', which in most European countries would be called a winter palace -- so it's not like we're outsourcing. I'm doing the showpiece stuff, appearing to crowds, small children and to the winner of the 'Naughty-or-Nice' television show." "It sounds just as commercial as ever," said Liberty. "Are you going out now then?" Santa nodded.
The reindeer stable was as hive of activity with grooms rushing here and there getting the reindeer clad in vaguely suggestive leatherwork and harnessed into the sleigh. When it was all done Santa climbed in, picked up the reins, and called out, "Ho Valour, ho Discretion! On Lies! On Deception! Up Chancer! Go Cancer! One Ring to lead them all!" He sat down, standing the reindeer down, and glared at the Head Groom. "Cancer? What kind of name is that for a reindeer?" "It's the 'Truth in Advertising' lobby," said the Groom. "They say Mountain Dew causes cancer." "Oh for the love of.... And Ring? Why is my lead reindeer called Ring?" "One Ring to lead them all," said the Groom, swallowing hard. "And... and in the darkness... bind them." Santa raised an eyebrow. "There's a big market for reindeer porn."
2 comments:
Discretion and Valour? Is there a theme emerging here in the run up to Christmas? :)
Valour
Santa strode into the living room at the North Pole "cottage" and stood in the middle of the floor, hands on his hips and legs spread apart. "What do you think?" he asked his wife.
Liberty looked up from her crocheting and then set the work down on her lap. There were three side-tables within easy reach, one of them fashioned entirely out of platinum and precious stones, but even in the middle of opulence and luxury she liked to have a few simple things kept close, and her crocheted kitten-warmers were just such things.
"Didn't that used to be red?" she said. Santa's suit -- tailored and fitted to a much slimmer gentleman than last year's model -- was shades of bile- and acid-green with red and white trimming. He looked like a goblin with a personal trainer and leprosy.
"New sponsor," said Santa. His voice was deep and resonant, sounding more like the kind of voice-over actor that makes women of a certain age get giggly than the ho-ho-ho of previous years. "Mountain Dew. It's a relief actually dear, I thought it was going to be Fanta up until October."
"You've lost weight too."
"It's such a relief," said Santa and his whole face seemed to light up. "They're after a more athletic, healthier image. I think I'm even going to get to start doing some parkour while delivering!"
Liberty smiled fondly. "Delivering," she said. "I thought you had Amazon do it all for you?"
"Most of it," said Santa. "And we do own 70% of it -- he gestured casually at the 'cottage', which in most European countries would be called a winter palace -- so it's not like we're outsourcing. I'm doing the showpiece stuff, appearing to crowds, small children and to the winner of the 'Naughty-or-Nice' television show."
"It sounds just as commercial as ever," said Liberty. "Are you going out now then?"
Santa nodded.
The reindeer stable was as hive of activity with grooms rushing here and there getting the reindeer clad in vaguely suggestive leatherwork and harnessed into the sleigh. When it was all done Santa climbed in, picked up the reins, and called out,
"Ho Valour, ho Discretion! On Lies! On Deception! Up Chancer! Go Cancer! One Ring to lead them all!"
He sat down, standing the reindeer down, and glared at the Head Groom.
"Cancer? What kind of name is that for a reindeer?"
"It's the 'Truth in Advertising' lobby," said the Groom. "They say Mountain Dew causes cancer."
"Oh for the love of.... And Ring? Why is my lead reindeer called Ring?"
"One Ring to lead them all," said the Groom, swallowing hard. "And... and in the darkness... bind them."
Santa raised an eyebrow.
"There's a big market for reindeer porn."
Greg - nah, just a little two day theme party. Although you're certainly welcome to find a way to carry on your tale :)
Not sure where I'd want you to go from that last line, but hey, it's guaranteed that you'll make things interesting :D
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