The East Wallingford Institute for Health, Wealth, and Animal Husbandry said that they were ecstatic that their latest paper, which studies the effect of bedtimes on various age groups in the population, is being taken seriously by East Wallingford City Council. Other members of East Wallingford were less pleased with the Council's announcement, which is a set of curfew regulations that are to be applied from 19:00 this evening. Milton Stilton, perennial Mayoral candidate and writer of excessively long letters to this newspaper, commented: "It's like a fascist regime! They've divided everyone up into groups, which is ageism at least, and probably segregation, and then used science - Science! - to say what time they should go to bed. They put me in a group by myself and recommended that I not be allowed out of bed!" Milton is, as usual, exaggerating a little, though it is true that he is East Wallingford's only resident to fall into to 35-40 age group due to two tragedies in the Wallingford Schools when he was growing up. The tragedies were, naturally, entirely West Wallingford's fault, and led to the two towns setting up independent education commissions and school systems. West Wallingford's school languish in the rating system employed by the East Wallingford Council to this day.
The curfews are intended to encourage people to go to bed at the right time and the study shows that this can help reduce the risk of heart attacks. There has been some concern expressed by parents that they are expected to go to bed up to two hours earlier than their children, but other parents appear thoroughly relaxed by the idea. "Well," said Doris Chamberly, "if this means I can sleep easy and not have to worry about what the kids are getting up to, I'm all for it. I mean, at the moment I go to bed exhausted an hour after they do, and I get up an hour before them... I spend all day on the go. It'll be nice to get a few more hours sleep, I think."
Children we interviewed were all excited at the idea that they would be up and awake and allowed to do things while their parents were asleep. Though, when they realised that many of the towns facilities and amenities were run by adults their enthusiasm diminished. "I was hoping to watch more films," said June Chamberly. "I mean, my bedtime is going to be 1am, so what can I do if the cinemas and bars are all closed?" We gently pointed out that she's only 8 and wouldn't be allowed in bars anyway and she shrugged. "We can break in, I guess," she said. "The police will all be in bed too, right?"
The most controversial issue in the report though is that dogs have no curfew at all and will be allowed to demand that their owners get up and let them roam free through the streets all night long. Many dog owners looked depressed as they noted that they would not be allowed to join their canine companions on these long walks. "I'm tying a Go Pro to my dog," said Jim Finchley, 97. I want to at least see where he goes when he's not with me."
Greg - hah, I love all the new problems the varying curfew times creates.
Let's see. No specific real life headline for me, just real life in general.
Fall Floods Fun For Families!*
With the recent influx of flood waters in East Wallingford (and West Wallingford, we presume - no one has bothered to check), residents and visitors alike may be wondering what recreational activities are available to them.
The answer is: plenty! Allow us to highlight some of the many, many options.
First up is the clear local favorite: The Main Street Rapids Adventure Course. Patrons are able to purchase tickets at the second floor window of Mel's Sporting Goods, where kayaks are also available for rent (a reasonable damage deposit is required).
Paddlers enjoy an all new view of downtown East Wallingford as they navigate around floating debris while avoiding underwater hazards like street lights, the rooftops of one storey buildings, and flag poles.
Another excellent option for visitors is to hike/swim/portage their way to the top of Municipal Hall Falls. While cliff (roof) jumping is not sanctioned by the local Fire Department, that has not stopped most adventurers from realizing that it is the most efficient route to get back to where they started - not to mention the most thrilling!
And finally, the East Wallingford Casino remains open for business. Bets can be placed on maximum flood level, length of time between Milton Stilton's rooftop shouting sessions... sorry, rooftop speeches. Gamblers can even put money on the number of National Guardsmen lost to the flood waters, flood damage final cleanup costs, and the number of days it will take for the waters to fully recede!
So come visit us here in East Wallingford - we are still very much Open For Business!
*Contributed by the East Wallingford Tourism Board (EWTB)
2 comments:
Oh wow, so next month will need to be a Christmas edition! I shall have to think about what East Wallingford would like to do for Christmas then... :)
The story inspiring today's article is linked in the title as usual.
Curfew announced in East Wallingford
The East Wallingford Institute for Health, Wealth, and Animal Husbandry said that they were ecstatic that their latest paper, which studies the effect of bedtimes on various age groups in the population, is being taken seriously by East Wallingford City Council. Other members of East Wallingford were less pleased with the Council's announcement, which is a set of curfew regulations that are to be applied from 19:00 this evening. Milton Stilton, perennial Mayoral candidate and writer of excessively long letters to this newspaper, commented:
"It's like a fascist regime! They've divided everyone up into groups, which is ageism at least, and probably segregation, and then used science - Science! - to say what time they should go to bed. They put me in a group by myself and recommended that I not be allowed out of bed!"
Milton is, as usual, exaggerating a little, though it is true that he is East Wallingford's only resident to fall into to 35-40 age group due to two tragedies in the Wallingford Schools when he was growing up. The tragedies were, naturally, entirely West Wallingford's fault, and led to the two towns setting up independent education commissions and school systems. West Wallingford's school languish in the rating system employed by the East Wallingford Council to this day.
The curfews are intended to encourage people to go to bed at the right time and the study shows that this can help reduce the risk of heart attacks. There has been some concern expressed by parents that they are expected to go to bed up to two hours earlier than their children, but other parents appear thoroughly relaxed by the idea.
"Well," said Doris Chamberly, "if this means I can sleep easy and not have to worry about what the kids are getting up to, I'm all for it. I mean, at the moment I go to bed exhausted an hour after they do, and I get up an hour before them... I spend all day on the go. It'll be nice to get a few more hours sleep, I think."
Children we interviewed were all excited at the idea that they would be up and awake and allowed to do things while their parents were asleep. Though, when they realised that many of the towns facilities and amenities were run by adults their enthusiasm diminished.
"I was hoping to watch more films," said June Chamberly. "I mean, my bedtime is going to be 1am, so what can I do if the cinemas and bars are all closed?"
We gently pointed out that she's only 8 and wouldn't be allowed in bars anyway and she shrugged.
"We can break in, I guess," she said. "The police will all be in bed too, right?"
The most controversial issue in the report though is that dogs have no curfew at all and will be allowed to demand that their owners get up and let them roam free through the streets all night long. Many dog owners looked depressed as they noted that they would not be allowed to join their canine companions on these long walks.
"I'm tying a Go Pro to my dog," said Jim Finchley, 97. I want to at least see where he goes when he's not with me."
Greg - hah, I love all the new problems the varying curfew times creates.
Let's see. No specific real life headline for me, just real life in general.
Fall Floods Fun For Families!*
With the recent influx of flood waters in East Wallingford (and West Wallingford, we presume - no one has bothered to check), residents and visitors alike may be wondering what recreational activities are available to them.
The answer is: plenty! Allow us to highlight some of the many, many options.
First up is the clear local favorite: The Main Street Rapids Adventure Course. Patrons are able to purchase tickets at the second floor window of Mel's Sporting Goods, where kayaks are also available for rent (a reasonable damage deposit is required).
Paddlers enjoy an all new view of downtown East Wallingford as they navigate around floating debris while avoiding underwater hazards like street lights, the rooftops of one storey buildings, and flag poles.
Another excellent option for visitors is to hike/swim/portage their way to the top of Municipal Hall Falls. While cliff (roof) jumping is not sanctioned by the local Fire Department, that has not stopped most adventurers from realizing that it is the most efficient route to get back to where they started - not to mention the most thrilling!
And finally, the East Wallingford Casino remains open for business. Bets can be placed on maximum flood level, length of time between Milton Stilton's rooftop shouting sessions... sorry, rooftop speeches. Gamblers can even put money on the number of National Guardsmen lost to the flood waters, flood damage final cleanup costs, and the number of days it will take for the waters to fully recede!
So come visit us here in East Wallingford - we are still very much Open For Business!
*Contributed by the East Wallingford Tourism Board (EWTB)
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