Thursday September 20th, 2012

The exercise:

Write an excerpt from a guidebook.

It can be for anywhere or anything you like. The possibilities are nigh endless!

Harvested for a small bakery order this morning and then delivered it, all while managing to forget I needed to do other things in town. So after lunch I went back in, but made it more worthwhile by bringing Kat with me to check out the local photography group's exhibition at the art gallery.

Some very cool photos in there. Makes me want to drag my butt out to one of their meetings even more than before. Perhaps the next one in October?

Perhaps.

Mine:

Do It Yourself Tooth Removal Techniques - Chapter 15

Now that we've covered the most basic tooth removal techniques, it's time that we discuss some of the more advanced strategies. In this chapter your list of necessary equipment will most definitely shrink; however more effort will need to be invested in locations and creativity.

Let us begin with Technique 79: Bear The Pain.

For this one all you need is ten to fifteen feet of string, depending on your local environment - we'll explain how to determine how much you'll need in a few moments, so bear with us. Start by securely tying one end of the string to the tooth you wish to extract. Once you've done that, you'll want to head down to your local zoo.

Make your way to the bear enclosure and assess the situation. If the distance between the exterior of the cage and the actual bears is greater than the length of string you have on your person, you'll need to go fetch something to extend it.

We'll carry on with the assumption that, one way or another, you've got the right length of string. Next up, you just have to toss the end that's not tied to your tooth into the bear enclosure. Perhaps coat it with a bit of honey first, to make it more enticing to the silly creatures.

Now just wait for one of the bears to take hold of your string, take a deep breath, and insult his or her mother at the very tip top of your lungs.

4 Comments:

Cathryn Leigh said...

He he I like yours MArc, but I think I might have gone overboard with mine. I trust you'll know what my Guidebook is about. :}


Section II: Videra

Chapter 1: Introduction

The majority of the mass of the Videra continent is located in the southern hemisphere, unlike its western neighbor Cumnor. Videra has one main mountain range that envelops like a mother’s hand, Starting from a point in the west and then forming a rang that follows the north western and south western shores. Nestled between these fingers is a wide array of arable land, ranging from tropical forests to gassy savannas to wooded forests.

The continent of Vidara is over seen by two Gods, Adam and Eve, whose worship varies among the indigenous people of which there are three groups:

- The Vezurians, who live in the wooded farmland to the South East
- The Areni Plains People, who live in the central plains
- The Northern Tribes, who live in the northern rain forests

The Vezurians, have been split into the Azureans and the Vervelleans, since the Sundering, though there is hope for a reunion someday. Both countries worship the Gods via Willow Temples assigning traditional roles to each gender. Eve, known there as the Great Grand Mother, rules over women, the hearth and home; while Adam, the Great Grand Father, rules over men, agriculture and military. Their society has developed into a monarchy lead by a King who rules over the twined branches of Economy (over seen by Lords) and Military (over seen by Knights). The majority of people live in small villages surrounded by fields or forest, with towns and cities developing at natural trade hubs / defensive points.

The Areni Plains people are marked by their clan like structure. While they worship the Gods, assigning them similar roles to the Vezurians, they place less emphasis on gender. Thus a man who cares for hearth and home is guided by the Great Grand Mother, and a woman warrior by the Great Grand Father. They prefer to remain hunter and gathers, gathering as a whole, only in winter around the only Arenian city. This city is their trade center and each clan takes a turn staying in it year round. The clans, as a whole are led by their elected Lord, who could lead for his life time, or a matter of days.

Not much in known about the Northern Tribes. They are an elusive people and the Gods protect them well. Isolated from the other two realms by a mountain range they have very little contact with the rest of the world.

Greg said...

@Cathryn: that's quite some detail you've got there! I can see you enjoy your world-building :)

@Marc: The exhibition sounds interesting, you should definitely try and find the time to get involved with that group! I'm sure the baby will just make things much easier too :-P
You've got your editorial voice on for you guidebook, which works really well and is nice and easy to read too. I spotted what you were up to with Bear the Pain, but the way you delivered was still worth reading.

A guide to stress relief, p.56
but be careful about the mother, which has much larger teeth.
Direct relief of stress is considered inadvisable, at least in humans, where the rapid deflation can have barycentric effects that can localise significant increases in velocity, to the point where even barrage balloons were considered insufficient prophylaxis. A case study from 1996 makes the point well [see Kordwainer, 1996, Miss Cecilia Thwaite achieves escape velocity], though readers of a nervous disposition are recommended to ignore the colour plates at the end of the book.
Stress vectoring, when done with sufficient mesh-refinement and careful consideration of third-order effects can be very useful for constructing a map of the patient's stress zones, whereat percussive maintenance is actively promoted. (Large hammers, to support this methodology, may be purchased along with saw-toothed

[Sadly page 57 appears to be missing, and something sticky obscures much of pages 58-91, so I can only transcribe this much.]

Marc said...

Cathryn - some really great world building going on in there. Brings the whole story to life in a way that makes sense.

Greg - oh yeah, I'll just be swimming in time soon :P

Hahaha, that is so much more effective because you've started and finished mid-sentence. Also, that concluding note is pretty much perfect.

g2 (la pianista irlandesa) said...

Written with my most favorite guidebook in mind, and with this first line that (not surprisingly) came to me when I was brushing my teeth.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
For as astonishingly and either endearingly, hilariously, or enfuriatingly backwards they were, the people of Earth were surprisingly advanced in the area of oral hygiene, particuarly for such an otherwise-unsophisticated civilization.

To give an idea of their advancement: among the non-contact planets of the whole outer rim of the Galaxy---of which there are many---humans of Earth ranked first in overall dental hygiene, and had the second-highest concentration of toothpaste varieties per capita in the entire Galaxy. The only race with a higher concentration are the Dentrassi, the culinary legends who strongly believe in the highest quality of all flavor experiences, and who also believe that superior oral hygiene leads to better flavor judgement.

Aside from its improbably plural location, part of the reason for such astounding advancement is that humans reached the civilized milestone of increased sugar intake rather early in their development. As all races do after reaching this point, they noticed the negative dental impact, and began developing accordingly. The strange thing that happened, however, is that this development never leveled off as with most other races. Some races either find a balance, or, as is more usually the case, become disillusioned with the futility of dental hygiene and give up on it altogether. Some of the more self-depricating races in the eastern mid-galactic bulge actually celebrate this resignation, holding Dedential Celebrations as a mildly amusing and unfortunate rite of passage.

The human race showed no signs of such resignation; indeed, at the time of the Earth's destruction, humans were actually slated to surpass the Dentrassi in the next two generations in dental quality. Had this occurred, and had interstellar contact been established, the planet could have made a small fortune in oral procedures, and could have led something of a renaissance in dental hygiene.