Are you going to ride the momentum of your comment-catch-up and post to the Gazette before the end of the month yourself as well then? ;-)
New sculpture causing worry in East Wallingford On Thursday, as ash from the wildfires menacing (deservedly so) West Wallingford fell from the sky like warm snow, perennial mayoral candidate Milton Stilton unveiled East Wallingford's new sculpture outside the town's railway station. The station was built in the 1940s as part of a misguided plan to support the war effort during a time when East and West Wallingford set aside their differences and united. The mismanagement of the council by West Wallingfordians, including building a railway line that connected a buffalo farm, a sheep farm and a cobalt mine but nothing else, was the primary reason why East and West Wallingford separated again at the end of the war.
The sculpture utilises left-over ordinance from the war and is built around a Sphere of Annihilation, a device whose use and utility is apparently still classified TOP SECRET. When questioned about the wisdom of incorporating such things into art, the sculptor died. The reporter who asked the question is currently helping East Wallingford police with their inquiries and being treated for trauma.
Milton Stilton, whose mayoral ambitions currently depend on a legal debate over whether Sally Mistwick is too old for candidacy, was more forthcoming. "The sculpture is an artefact for our times," he declaimed. "It draws the eye and forces the viewer to focus on the pull of violence and the things that we enact that violence with." He waved his hands frantically, as his personality-coach has recently told him to be more expressive. "It's metonymy writ large!"
Other residents concurred partially with him. "It pulls in light," said Donald Hart who owns the local cobblers, who have a 15% sale on heels. "It's a lot darker in front of the station than it used to be. There'll be West Wallingfordians lurking around there in no time, mark my words. Would you like your soles replaced, mate?"
Sally Mistwick, sitting upright in her wheelchair and trying not to show signs of Alzheimer's, said, "It's got an attraction to it like a magnet. Or a black hole maybe. It might be a tourist trap if we use it right."
Janet Smythe, East Wallingford's second home-grown scientist, was more blunt. "It's an obvious danger to everyone," she said. "It wasn't called a Sphere of Annihilation because it's blue and cuddly, was it? It should be put back where it was and left alone again. Although, it does seem to destroy anything it touches, so maybe we should put it in the municipal rubbish dump? We might be able to turn this into a profitable business...." "That was my idea first," yelled Milton Stilton as that point, and we decided we'd reported enough for the day.
New Psychic In Town Providing Unwanted Predictions
A recent arrival in East Wallingford is drawing the ire of locals and authorities alike. Madame Bovine Amelie, Practitioner of the Mystic Arts and Direct Descendant of Nostradamus - according her business card - arrived in East Wallingford during the night last weekend and has set up shop on Main Street, in front of the post office.
"Not allowed to do business there," was the only comment the Gazette was able to get out of the Planning and Development Department before being told to direct further inquiries to the contact page on their website. The Gazette has yet to receive any replies to our repeated emails.
Madame Bovine insists that she must conduct her business "wherever the spirits compel" her to, and thus can still be found sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk, making finger drawings in the wildfire ash which collects there.
"These are not finger drawings," Madame Bovine informed us with a delicate sniff. "These are the spirits communicating through me. See here? This wilted flower means you will die next week."
It is these sort of unsolicited readings which have resulted in an influx of complaints to the Gazette's office. One resident, who refused to give her name, advised one of our reporters that Madame Bovine had shouted at her from half a block away that she would cheat on her husband that very night.
"Well, did you ask her whether she did?" Madame Bovary asked when confronted with this account. "She wouldn't say? How... convenient."
Another caller wanted his experience shared with our readers:
"This nut bin loony hag chased me for half an hour, in and out of stores! She kept saying I needed to see what the spirits wanted me to see. I told her to bugger off every time but she wouldn't let up! I finally had to lock myself in the washroom of the gas station until someone else wandered by that caught her attention. I heard her yelling at that guy about his dog's death being nigh!"
When asked about the unfavorable welcome she had received in East Wallingford thus far, Madame Bovine shrugged it off.
"It is not my fault if people are afraid of their own future," she said, then began drawing in the ash again.
When the Gazette's reporter suggested that she should have seen this rough reception coming, Madame Bovine became clearly agitated and began drawing profanities in the ash.
Our reporter left the scene and placed a call to the police station requesting they investigate Madame Bovine's behavior but was informed none of the officers on duty were willing to get within her line of sight.
2 comments:
Are you going to ride the momentum of your comment-catch-up and post to the Gazette before the end of the month yourself as well then? ;-)
New sculpture causing worry in East Wallingford
On Thursday, as ash from the wildfires menacing (deservedly so) West Wallingford fell from the sky like warm snow, perennial mayoral candidate Milton Stilton unveiled East Wallingford's new sculpture outside the town's railway station. The station was built in the 1940s as part of a misguided plan to support the war effort during a time when East and West Wallingford set aside their differences and united. The mismanagement of the council by West Wallingfordians, including building a railway line that connected a buffalo farm, a sheep farm and a cobalt mine but nothing else, was the primary reason why East and West Wallingford separated again at the end of the war.
The sculpture utilises left-over ordinance from the war and is built around a Sphere of Annihilation, a device whose use and utility is apparently still classified TOP SECRET. When questioned about the wisdom of incorporating such things into art, the sculptor died. The reporter who asked the question is currently helping East Wallingford police with their inquiries and being treated for trauma.
Milton Stilton, whose mayoral ambitions currently depend on a legal debate over whether Sally Mistwick is too old for candidacy, was more forthcoming.
"The sculpture is an artefact for our times," he declaimed. "It draws the eye and forces the viewer to focus on the pull of violence and the things that we enact that violence with." He waved his hands frantically, as his personality-coach has recently told him to be more expressive. "It's metonymy writ large!"
Other residents concurred partially with him.
"It pulls in light," said Donald Hart who owns the local cobblers, who have a 15% sale on heels. "It's a lot darker in front of the station than it used to be. There'll be West Wallingfordians lurking around there in no time, mark my words. Would you like your soles replaced, mate?"
Sally Mistwick, sitting upright in her wheelchair and trying not to show signs of Alzheimer's, said, "It's got an attraction to it like a magnet. Or a black hole maybe. It might be a tourist trap if we use it right."
Janet Smythe, East Wallingford's second home-grown scientist, was more blunt. "It's an obvious danger to everyone," she said. "It wasn't called a Sphere of Annihilation because it's blue and cuddly, was it? It should be put back where it was and left alone again. Although, it does seem to destroy anything it touches, so maybe we should put it in the municipal rubbish dump? We might be able to turn this into a profitable business...."
"That was my idea first," yelled Milton Stilton as that point, and we decided we'd reported enough for the day.
Greg - looks like I'm going to try!
New Psychic In Town Providing Unwanted Predictions
A recent arrival in East Wallingford is drawing the ire of locals and authorities alike. Madame Bovine Amelie, Practitioner of the Mystic Arts and Direct Descendant of Nostradamus - according her business card - arrived in East Wallingford during the night last weekend and has set up shop on Main Street, in front of the post office.
"Not allowed to do business there," was the only comment the Gazette was able to get out of the Planning and Development Department before being told to direct further inquiries to the contact page on their website. The Gazette has yet to receive any replies to our repeated emails.
Madame Bovine insists that she must conduct her business "wherever the spirits compel" her to, and thus can still be found sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk, making finger drawings in the wildfire ash which collects there.
"These are not finger drawings," Madame Bovine informed us with a delicate sniff. "These are the spirits communicating through me. See here? This wilted flower means you will die next week."
It is these sort of unsolicited readings which have resulted in an influx of complaints to the Gazette's office. One resident, who refused to give her name, advised one of our reporters that Madame Bovine had shouted at her from half a block away that she would cheat on her husband that very night.
"Well, did you ask her whether she did?" Madame Bovary asked when confronted with this account. "She wouldn't say? How... convenient."
Another caller wanted his experience shared with our readers:
"This nut bin loony hag chased me for half an hour, in and out of stores! She kept saying I needed to see what the spirits wanted me to see. I told her to bugger off every time but she wouldn't let up! I finally had to lock myself in the washroom of the gas station until someone else wandered by that caught her attention. I heard her yelling at that guy about his dog's death being nigh!"
When asked about the unfavorable welcome she had received in East Wallingford thus far, Madame Bovine shrugged it off.
"It is not my fault if people are afraid of their own future," she said, then began drawing in the ash again.
When the Gazette's reporter suggested that she should have seen this rough reception coming, Madame Bovine became clearly agitated and began drawing profanities in the ash.
Our reporter left the scene and placed a call to the police station requesting they investigate Madame Bovine's behavior but was informed none of the officers on duty were willing to get within her line of sight.
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