Sunday February 12th, 2017

The exercise:

Write about: the guru.

Definitely felt the worst I have so far today. Wasn't bedridden or anything like that... but I wouldn't have minded being at a couple of points.

The weather is gradually warming up, the snow is slowly melting away. Spring is coming... it's just taking its sweet frickin' time.


"Hey Owen?"

"Yes, my child?"

"Uh... okay. I was wondering if you could give me a hand with this thing I'm working on - I hear you're the expert around here."

"Of course, my child."

"... right. So, um, can you swing by my cubicle now or is this not a good time?"

"My child, I do not move from my wisdom seat. You must bring your troubles to me, for I cannot go to them."

"Okay, sure. I guess I'll bring my laptop by in a few minutes then, yeah?"

"I look forward to parting the obscuring clouds of confusion for you, my child, in order to place into your hands the full power of Excel."


Greg said...

It's still snowing in the UK apparently, but it seems that you've had enough of the peaceful white stuff already :) I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this, and that there's no cycle of colds going on where you all keep falling sick again as others recover.
Hmm, I get the feeling you might be writing from personal experience here, given your last line! Though... when were you called Owen? However I've definitely met people who wouldn't move from their wisdom seat, and certainly people who've taken the trouble to learn Excel that well can be very helpful....

The guru
Hi! I'm Buddy, your corporate-appointed spiritual advisor. No, no I don't shake hands. Well, I don't know where your hand has bee-- actually that's not true, I know exactly where it's been and that's why I'm not shaking it. Yes, I'd probably be embarrassed if I were you, too.
Well I suppose you could call me a guru but I prefer Buddy. No it's not my original name actually, it's the name I received when I reached enlightenment. Umm... no, no that's not really how it works. No, not that either. Well, I think that's anatomically impossible.... Huh. Please don't show me any more pictures from your phone.
I'm here because HR have decided you need guidance. Your last Powerpoint presentation -- yes, that one. No, you don't need to cry. Well, not yet. HR think you might be taking the wrong approach, and they believe in the holistic approach. So -- put that down, it's blunt -- let me tell you a tale, the parable of the Sage and the Slideshow.

Once upon a time there was a wise employee known as Headcount 6072 to his friends and colleagues. In fact, he was so wise that they were one and the same. He knew three versions of Excel, could find all the hidden menu options in Word, and didn't even flinch when people said OneNote with all the loathing they could muster. He was respected around the office, and people never stole his lunch from the fridge even though he never wrote his name on it.
One day the Head of Soft-Furnishing and -Power came to him and told him that a Powerpoint presentation was needed that would explain to Senior Management (all Headcounts with only double-digit numbers) how they could monetise a local outbreak of Ebola. The guru smiled beatifically, assumed the lotus position, and agreed to do it.
The Powerpoint presentation used sixteen different animations, 112 pieces of clip-art, the entire corporate approved colour palette and eight different font-sizes. It was so beautiful that people seeing it completely failed to listen to the speaker, and so it was that the entirity of Headcounts 50-78 were hypnotised into overspending on the corporate lunch budget. They were subsequently fired, but the guru and his colleagues (who were also his friends) were well-fed and happy.

Moral? What?
Oh yes, parables have morals. Well, the moral of this tale is that it's better to be well-fed than a fat cat.

morganna said...

Groaning deeply
Upwelling from the depths
Roaring its displeasure, our
Underground god guides every deed

Marc said...

Greg - I suppose I'm feeling better now, if not all the way back to healthy. And so far we've avoided getting on the cold loop, so that's a bonus.

Buddy! I remember Buddy :) It's a been a long time, and his return is most welcome.

Highly enjoyed this tale :)

Morganna - that's a fantastic acrostic! Tells a whole tale in just four lines, making the restrictions of the form seem like an afterthought. Bravo :)