Monday August 31st, 2015

The exercise:

Let us usher August out the door by writing about: the substitute.

Another fairly quiet day around these parts. I think I may have given up on weeding the garden for this year without fully realizing it. If this week slips by without any more weeds being pulled I might have to make it official.

Spent part of my morning catching up on comments (woo hoo, only three weeks behind now!) and then spent the afternoon with Max. I should maybe take a picture of him sometime and share it with you guys, because I have this nagging feeling that it has been a long time since I've done that.


The plan, such as it was, did not inspire faith. It was not properly thought out. Rushed and unprofessional were two of the kindest words I could have used to describe it. Idiotic and doomed to fail were some of the less kind.

You might be wondering why I agreed to it then. Can't say I blame you. I've often had the same line of thinking since then. Sure, I was in a desperate spot. One that seemed utterly hopeless, with no reasonable escape. I guess an incredibly unreasonable route seemed like my only chance.

There was also, of course, the potential reward. No man I've ever met would turn his back on the chance for that kind of money, no matter how ridiculous the odds of success may be. That's how casinos do such killer business, right?

Well. Whatever the reason, I said I'd do it. Or at least try, anyway. So I walked into that museum under the watchful eye of at least a dozen guards and twice as many cameras. Concealed in my jacket was a rather inexact replica of the statue I was meant to steal.

"Just switch it out for the real thing," they'd told me. "You just need a distraction, that's all."

Yeah, that was all. It's not like I had unlimited time to come up with something good - the exhibit was only in town for the weekend. Like I said, rushed and poorly thought out. But like I also said, I was in a bad place.

That's why the other thing I'd hidden in my jacket that afternoon was the foulest smelling stink bomb I could get my hands on.


Greg said...

Excellent work catching up with the comments! You're even up to the Colony and ready for September's visit. Thank-you, while I remember, for your kind words on Robbie. Considering he was sent up there by popular vote on reality television he's not quite proven to the be deadweight I was expecting. Though, to be fair, I was expecting you to push him out of an airlock at the first available opportunity :)
Your first paragraph is a great scene setter, and the worry just grows as I continue reading. While I admire your narrator's ingenuity, I'm not sure that smoke bomb will be enough... :)

The substitute
Bring me sugar and bring me butter,
Bring eggs and praise the cake!
(Praise the cake!)
Bring me milk and pure vanilla,
And heat the oven, for we will bake!
(Let us bake! Praise the cake!)

Alas my dear, we have no sugar,
But powdered bleach is white and fine,
(Praise the cake!)
Well and good, now bring me flour,
And we will slake the bleach with lime!
(Let us bake! Praise the cake!)

My dear, it seems: the flour's all gone,
And all the milk's evaporated.
(Praise the cake!)
I've bags of grits and jars of slime
-- this recipe's quite complicated!
(Let us bake! Praise the cake!)

The cake is baked (and slightly burned)
I've frosted it with something sweet.
(Praise the cake!)
And now we bring the cake to table,
Gather round, and let us eat!
(Let us bake! Praise the cake!)

Marc said...

Greg - woo hoo, only two weeks behind now... blaaargh.

Out an airlock? Me? Never...

I am impressed by the cake's theme song. I am less impressed with the cake itself. I think I shall take a pass on eating this one... :)