Ah, the Gazette! OK, well I've drawn inspiration from this real headline for today :)
House collapse victims move back into their home
Margot and Shmuel Goldberg moved back into their old home today, two years to the day after it collapsed. They had awoken in the middle of the night to hear strange groaning sounds, and when Shmuel got up to investigate he found light where he expected none -- coming through the wall of their bathroom. Realising with mounting horror that there was actually a gigantic crack in the wall that was slowly growing he got Margot out of bed and they retrieved their twenty-five year old African Grey parrot from the living room and ventured out onto the street. Two minutes later the house collapsed completely, converting itself from a modern, tastefully decorated two-bedroom detached property to a pile of rubble. The ruptured water main provided a decorative fountain effect atop the fallen bricks and crumbled wood.
They have spent the last two years in West Wallingford's District Court bringing suit against the council there as they allege that the roadworks West Wallingford were carrying out on the other side of town directly affected the foundations of their property and so were responsible for the collapse. Perennial mayoral candidate Milton Stilton, a man who became a lawyer solely for the purpose of sueing his parents over their naming of him, has been helping them. "Roadworks have been known to have effects in up to a twelve mile radius," he said, tapping a stack of documents on his desk meaningfully. "This isn't a frivolous lawsuit as the West Wallingfordians have maintained. This is a serious matter and these poor folk deserve better." "Three times you will be mayor!" said Madame Bovine Amelie who, for unknowable reasons (and Milton refused to answer questions about her) was in his office drawing on the walls with a packet of crayons.
We returned to Interstice Road to meet the Goldsteins and were surprised to find that the house they are "moving back into" was still a pile of rubble. "Well," said Margot who walks with a cane and has arthritis, "we've been so busy with the court case that we've not really had much time to look elsewhere. Milton's always got more evidence for us to review and affawhatsit." "All our money's gone into that as well," said Schmuel, who leads the local Synagogue. "That and the hostel we were staying in, but we've kicked out of that because it's owned by West Wallingfordians." "Racism, that's what it is," said Margot, sitting on a large piece of brickwork. She shifted a little. "This is more comfortable than it looks, you know. I quite like it." "From the rubble shall come a phoenix, a bird of flame and air that will smite those around it!" screeched Madame Bovine Amelie, who appeared to have followed us from Milton's office. "That sounds lovely, dear," said Margot, smiling at her. Schmuel, a man with a university level education frowned. "Doesn't that sound like a fireball from a broken gas supply?" he asked us, but we declined to answer and departed swiftly.
Greg - I fully appreciate your handling and use of Madame Bovine here. And because your work drew inspiration - rather beautifully, I must say - from a real headline, I think I shall attempt to do the same.
But since I don't know how to do a link like yours in comments, I'll just paste the address here:
East Wallingford Garbage Collection Delayed This Week
As summer begins to draw to a close and autumn prepares for its yearly visit, there's something in the air about town.
And that something is the smell is rotting garbage.
While a notice was supposed to be sent out last week advising residents that curbside garbage collection would not be occurring on its usual schedule this week, the paperwork somehow ended up in the recycling bins instead. Another Man's Treasure, the contractor for East Wallingford's curbside collection, has suggested this mix-up was the result of the notice first passing through West Wallingford's municipal office and residents of East Wallingford have had no issue with backing this claim.
Unfortunately, that's done nothing to help with the stench of uncollected household refuse.
"Another Man's Treasure is committed to collecting from all residential locations by the end of the week," Noel Faktori, spokesman for the contractor, told The Gazette. "However we are asking residents to bring their bins in from the curb if our drivers haven't arrived by 4 pm, and then to have them back out to the curb by 7 the following morning."
However, and we're sure we don't need to inform any locals of this, once an East Wallingfordian puts out their trash for collection, they do not retrieve their bins until they've been emptied.
"What, you think I'm going to haul that nasty mess back and forth each day?" Martina Ophelia Mills, resident of Porcupine Lane, asked our reporter. "Fat. Chance. Not with this delicate nose I'm not."
The problem has only been compounded by the recently completed Festival of the Fish, an annual fish dish appreciation weekend first organized five years ago by local fishing enthusiast Ben D. Polle.
"Hey don't go blaming this mess on the fish," Mr. Polle said when asked for comment. "It was just unfortunate timing this year, that's all. And you better believe those West Wallingford heathens knew about this year's festival. I make sure to let them know they're not welcome."
And so, while the offending garbage will eventually be collected, both the smell and the resentment toward our neighbors in West Wallingford are expected to linger for quite some time.
2 comments:
Ah, the Gazette! OK, well I've drawn inspiration from this real headline for today :)
House collapse victims move back into their home
Margot and Shmuel Goldberg moved back into their old home today, two years to the day after it collapsed. They had awoken in the middle of the night to hear strange groaning sounds, and when Shmuel got up to investigate he found light where he expected none -- coming through the wall of their bathroom. Realising with mounting horror that there was actually a gigantic crack in the wall that was slowly growing he got Margot out of bed and they retrieved their twenty-five year old African Grey parrot from the living room and ventured out onto the street. Two minutes later the house collapsed completely, converting itself from a modern, tastefully decorated two-bedroom detached property to a pile of rubble. The ruptured water main provided a decorative fountain effect atop the fallen bricks and crumbled wood.
They have spent the last two years in West Wallingford's District Court bringing suit against the council there as they allege that the roadworks West Wallingford were carrying out on the other side of town directly affected the foundations of their property and so were responsible for the collapse. Perennial mayoral candidate Milton Stilton, a man who became a lawyer solely for the purpose of sueing his parents over their naming of him, has been helping them.
"Roadworks have been known to have effects in up to a twelve mile radius," he said, tapping a stack of documents on his desk meaningfully. "This isn't a frivolous lawsuit as the West Wallingfordians have maintained. This is a serious matter and these poor folk deserve better."
"Three times you will be mayor!" said Madame Bovine Amelie who, for unknowable reasons (and Milton refused to answer questions about her) was in his office drawing on the walls with a packet of crayons.
We returned to Interstice Road to meet the Goldsteins and were surprised to find that the house they are "moving back into" was still a pile of rubble.
"Well," said Margot who walks with a cane and has arthritis, "we've been so busy with the court case that we've not really had much time to look elsewhere. Milton's always got more evidence for us to review and affawhatsit."
"All our money's gone into that as well," said Schmuel, who leads the local Synagogue. "That and the hostel we were staying in, but we've kicked out of that because it's owned by West Wallingfordians."
"Racism, that's what it is," said Margot, sitting on a large piece of brickwork. She shifted a little. "This is more comfortable than it looks, you know. I quite like it."
"From the rubble shall come a phoenix, a bird of flame and air that will smite those around it!" screeched Madame Bovine Amelie, who appeared to have followed us from Milton's office.
"That sounds lovely, dear," said Margot, smiling at her. Schmuel, a man with a university level education frowned. "Doesn't that sound like a fireball from a broken gas supply?" he asked us, but we declined to answer and departed swiftly.
Greg - I fully appreciate your handling and use of Madame Bovine here. And because your work drew inspiration - rather beautifully, I must say - from a real headline, I think I shall attempt to do the same.
But since I don't know how to do a link like yours in comments, I'll just paste the address here:
https://www.comoxvalleyrecord.com/news/solid-waste-pickup-delayed-in-cumberland-this-week/
East Wallingford Garbage Collection Delayed This Week
As summer begins to draw to a close and autumn prepares for its yearly visit, there's something in the air about town.
And that something is the smell is rotting garbage.
While a notice was supposed to be sent out last week advising residents that curbside garbage collection would not be occurring on its usual schedule this week, the paperwork somehow ended up in the recycling bins instead. Another Man's Treasure, the contractor for East Wallingford's curbside collection, has suggested this mix-up was the result of the notice first passing through West Wallingford's municipal office and residents of East Wallingford have had no issue with backing this claim.
Unfortunately, that's done nothing to help with the stench of uncollected household refuse.
"Another Man's Treasure is committed to collecting from all residential locations by the end of the week," Noel Faktori, spokesman for the contractor, told The Gazette. "However we are asking residents to bring their bins in from the curb if our drivers haven't arrived by 4 pm, and then to have them back out to the curb by 7 the following morning."
However, and we're sure we don't need to inform any locals of this, once an East Wallingfordian puts out their trash for collection, they do not retrieve their bins until they've been emptied.
"What, you think I'm going to haul that nasty mess back and forth each day?" Martina Ophelia Mills, resident of Porcupine Lane, asked our reporter. "Fat. Chance. Not with this delicate nose I'm not."
The problem has only been compounded by the recently completed Festival of the Fish, an annual fish dish appreciation weekend first organized five years ago by local fishing enthusiast Ben D. Polle.
"Hey don't go blaming this mess on the fish," Mr. Polle said when asked for comment. "It was just unfortunate timing this year, that's all. And you better believe those West Wallingford heathens knew about this year's festival. I make sure to let them know they're not welcome."
And so, while the offending garbage will eventually be collected, both the smell and the resentment toward our neighbors in West Wallingford are expected to linger for quite some time.
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